I'm excited to announce the launch of my new culturally elevated and respectfully superior Chinese restaurant, "Lucky Ching Chang Chong"! I may be white, but I love and honor Chinese food. To demonstrate my appreciation in our menu, I needed to work with someone who has a deep connection to the cuisine, which is why I consulted Cooper (his credentials are having taught English in Tokyo for a semester and seen an episode of Naruto).

The concept for this restaurant began several years ago when I told my husband that I wish there was a place to get healthy Chinese food that didn't make you feel yucky afterward. We reworked all of our favorite dishes from a nutritious angle to be free of gluten, wheat, sugar, GMOs, nuts, rice, soy, green onions, shrimp, pork, ginger, sesame, and dog meat. We also have completely banned MSG from our kitchen, since it causes bloating, migraines, and xenophobia.

We've also injected character and fun into each dish's name. Are you obsessed with both egg drop and hot and sour soup, but feel wary that it's not inclusive of hip hop culture? Try our "Egg, Drop It Like It's Hot! And Sour Soup" (fun fact: it's equal parts Egg Drop and Hot and Sour soup). Do you love wontons, but every time you eat them, you feel heavy and fat? Try our "won-ounce", our take that leaves you feeling light and refreshed. Are you infatuated with kung pao chicken, but feel uneasy for overlooking the influence of Asian martial arts in Hollywood? Try our "Kung Pow! Hai-Yah! Chicken", which can only be ordered with an accompanied fist punch and karate chop. To truly emphasize our respects for Asians in media, we'll even give the dish for free with your best David Carradine impression!

Our appreciation for the Chinese culture extends to our decor, which we proudly describe as "a pu pu platter of Eastern influences". You'll find bamboo plants on every surface, a gratuitous use of jade, relics from the Transcontinental railroad, and a large framed portrait of a generic Asian man in a military-style suit who could pass as both Chairman Mao and Kim Jung Un. Our music choices also strives towards authenticity, which is why it will simply alternate between the Carl Douglas classic "Kung Fu Fighting" and gongs being struck repeatedly ad infinitum.

Our name was also determined with deliberate consideration, mostly because our first choices "Miso Horny" and "Me Love U Long Time" were already taken. We settled on "Ching Chang Chong", which was not a total accident: my husband once had a friend whose last name rhymed with "Chang" (edit: it was actually the first name and it was "Frank"). We then appended the name with "Lucky", because luck is a major component of the Chinese culture given that they are all addicted to gambling. We hope "Lucky Ching Chang Chong" reflects the story of how our dishes were authentically conceived, while paying utmost respect to Chinese and Asian culture at large.

Our commitment towards authentic values and traditions extends to our management, as we employ undocumented Chinese immigrants as our hardworking bus boys and impose upon them long hours with minimum wage and zero benefits. Additionally, in an effort to preserve their beautiful culture, we have declined to connect them to second-language programs for assimilating into American society.

Come join us in celebrating Chinese culture for our grand opening, where we welcome all with free conical straw hats and toy buck teeth prosthetics! Kanpai!